Today, I witnessed beard discrimination! Cold, ignorant, beardophobia.
There are still so many people who just don’t understand the beard today. They fail to see the beauty in the thick, curly, dare I say almost pube-like facial hair of the modern man. Instead, they see a vile mouth-crotch harboring disease and possibly a family of small rodents. And while it may be true that some beards may carry dirty diseases like lice and other infestations, many beards are clean and well-tended and certainly deserving of our respect.
What I saw today was despicable. In an office (which must remain anonymous) where casual-dress is the norm, where clients are strictly contacted through the telephone, and where women and men are tattooed and pierced in and around all orifices, a man (who must also remain anonymous) was asked to shave this beautiful piece of face art:
What, I ask, is wrong with the world today if this heavenly arrangement of facial pubes can be destroyed without consequence? Where is our sanity, when men, men who grow facial hair, men who grow facial hair naturally and beautifully and so luciously and luminously thick like a Viking raider, must be forced to defile the very art they have spent weeks creating by shaving it so crudely? This celestial, this divine creation, will no longer exist after this evening. Together, we will all mourn the loss of this shining light in the world. This beacon of the sublime. This angelic creation.
So now, we must act! We must come together to fight Beard Injustice all around the globe! We must demand that our beards are respected, just as all other forms of bodily artwork are respected. After all, if we allow this trite and unoriginal symbol of manly insecurity to exist in the workplace: why would we not also want to allow our men (and women) to display their resplendent beards to all the world!
Thus, I am calling for a Rally for BeardJustice! Men – it is time for no-shave no-ever to band together in solidarity with your brothers! And ladies – quit Nairing that mustache, pull out your Beardos and let’s fight this thing! It is time to put a stop to face-crotch mutilation! We must act now or face the consequences of a world without beards! We can fight this, but only if we fight it united! WE can stop beardophobia, TOGETHER! Viva la Beard!
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