Culture / Humor

The Reason for the Season

Around this time two years ago, I wrote this: Consumerism is the Reason for the Season.

Oooo, its Black Friday! Now we can all really get into that Christmas spirit by purchasing some cheap crap at Target. This is one day of the year that I vow not to leave my house. If I want to shop cheap deals, I go online; otherwise, it just simply isn’t worth it to me to waste a perfectly good day of relaxation by spending it in line at the mall. Frankly, I’d rather have bamboo shoved under my fingernails.

In the piece, I ranted and raved about our overly materialistic, consumer-driven lives, especially around this time of year when TVs and Wiis and Gameboys win out over time for giving and time with family.  This year is no better. Christmas has become little more than a day where Americans with everything give other Americans with everything something they already have. Shopping is always slightly nightmarish for me, but during the holidays it is nearly unbearable. I can’t even walk into the supermarket without feeling mildly homicidal at hearing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” for the 50th time since mid-November. Of course, while I do want to plow Mariah over with an 18-wheeler, I guess that isn’t what this rant is about.

What this rant is about is that Walmart just announced that it will be opening its doors for their infamous Black Friday sales not on Black Friday but on the new Black Thursday. Yes, on Thanksgiving. So while the sane among us are relaxing with family over a meal, the crackpots and crazies out there who can’t possibly pass up a deal for another cheap TV so they can have one to watch on the shitter, will be running around the aisles of Walmart trampling employees for the biggest flat screen. (This literally did happen before in 2008 when a Walmart employee was trampled to death during the Black Friday frenzy).

And the shit we are buying for our children is even more ridiculous. This Thanksgiving, instead of gathering around family and giving thanks for loved ones, people will be too busy trying to decide if they should get little six-year-old Sally another slutty Bratz Doll for Christmas or just get a jump on it and spring for her very own stripper pole. And for her brother Jimmy? What other mind-numbing, brain-cell killing game can we get Jimmy this year? He’s got a Wii, an Xbox, a Playstation, and an iPad to play his future war-criminal training games on. Maybe we can just get his Nintendo DS surgically implanted in his skull!

So I have decided to pledge to partake in Buy Nothing Day, the alternative to all vapid, commercial douchery everywhere. My decision was not a difficult one, as I would rather shove a metal spork in my eye than to join the throngs of minivans idling outside of the mall on my Thanksgiving holiday. However, I realize that there exist plenty of people out there that are crazy enough to actually get some sort of sick, sadistic enjoyment out of shoving their way through crowds of people to get the last remaining toaster on sale at the HHGregg. To those people I challenge: Make your pledge for Buy Nothing Day. In the spirit of not acting like a vacuous, materialistic asshole this Thanksgiving, maybe spend some time with your family. You know, those people you secretly hate but you hang out with every holiday anyway. And if I can’t get you to pledge to NOT shop for a whole 24 hours, for god’s sake at least by little Sally a doll whose labia doesn’t peek through the bottom of its barely-there skirt and while you’re at it, shove that pasty little Jimmy outside cause he probably hasn’t seen the sun since Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 came out last November.

And finally I leave you with this video which isn’t exactly related to what I have been talking about but it is groovy all the same: Happy Holidays and Merry Giftmas, you soul-sucking mega-consumers!

One thought on “The Reason for the Season

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